Now that the boys are back in school, I have started writing again. For years I have felt God nudging me to write a book. Believe me, it is not because I think I am a gifted writer. I've never liked writing, speaking yes, writing no! My crazy run on sentences or countless grammatical errors are proof in and of themselves, I really can't write!
BUT, while on oxygen, God would wake me up in the middle of the night with a chapter heading and a concept that left me reaching for a pad of paper and a pencil. I'm convinced that God's purpose and plan for my life included oxygen because He wants me to share how important it is to understand that beauty comes from within. Feeling like the ugly duckling for almost two years can bring great revelations like that. Sitting in HIS waiting room, the constant wondering "when God?", has also taught me the utter importance of TRUSTing Him or Totally Relying Upon my Saviors Timing--my acronym for the word trust-- and I believe He is asking me to share my story.
So this past week I began digging into the endless mound of emails that I have saved with this purpose in mind. Emails that started in April of 2010 and continue to this day. Emails that chronicle the journey God has walked me through, most days carried me through, along with the countless pleas for your prayers.
Here are a few of those email snipets...
"Yes we celebrated 6 months post transplant Feb12th. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for this gift I have been given. One night as I was exercising on the treadmill and I did the bike for awhile, I was overwhelmed with such gratitude. To think of where God has brought me from. The oxygen tank, the inability to do most of life's BASIC tasks, the recovery from the transplant and the months where it was difficult for me to do a loop around the house without needing to go back to bed...and now the ability to go to the Y and exercise. Words cannot begin to describe my JOY! Written Feb 27th, 2012
"If there is one thing I am learning , it is to be so thankful for the simpiest things in life"
"After a very emotional couple of days filled with many tears and "what if'" questions with God, I have decided to let Him be in control of how He heals these lungs... June 17/2010
"Everyday truly is a gift that I don't want to take for granted. I want to live with joy and excitement as I continue to unwrap the gift of Jesus in my life" December 20, 2011
"I am clinging to God in a way that I hadn't since the transplant" June 4, 2012
As I read through email upon email for what was literally hours, tears streamed down my cheeks. "When did I lose my way?" I thought.When did I stop being so over the top thankful for simply living? When did I lose my joy? That indescribable joy I once had that simply came from the ability to do the mundane, not taking a single day for granted. When was the last time I was overwhelmed with gratitude? And at what point did I pick up the batton called "my life" and began thinking I could control things on my own? Trying to manage my health, my relationships, my EVERYTHING. When?
When did I stop clinging? I mean really clinging as if HE was all I had. I kept reading and the tears kept coming. Crazy enough, I found myself almost wanting to be back in that place. The place of sheer despair. The place of utter dependance and complete surrender. It was hard, and yet it was beautiful. The place of "HE IS ENOUGH". Where did that go? When did the things that didn't matter then, start mattering again?
And as I kept thinking "when did I lose this, when did I lose my way?" I heard Him say "I AM THE WAY, and you have NOT lost me. You may have gotten distracted, you may have forgotten some of the lessons I taught you, BUT you have not LOST YOUR WAY".
Not without hope. Not without Jesus. And NEVER without HIS grace! I don't know if there has ever been a time when you have felt like this. When days, months, or years pass and you look back and think "where did that person go?" For me it was this week, and I want "her" back.
I want the joy back, the gratitude back, the complete and total surrender back. I want the "her" back that clung to Jesus like He was ALL she had and HE WAS ENOUGH! And HE, HE is the way back!
I am so grateful for His unending love for me, that He pursues me and draws me back to Himself when I get distracted and off course! Oh what a Savior! I pray that if this finds you feeling like you have lost your way, you would be encouraged to simply turn to the ONE and ONLY WAY--JESUS! And that you would be encouraged to know that He has been waiting for you and His arms are open WIDE!
Love you much! J